About marriage and sex

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Marriage is a legal relationship between two people
who decide to live together as sexual and domestic
partners. Some of them last a lifetime through thick
and thin. About half of them end in divorce. What is
the difference?

Sex involves intimate physical acts that feel good.
Almost everybody likes it because it’s fun. The desire
to have sex is mental and is affected by whatever is
happening at the moment. Physical condition,
circumstances, attitude, alcohol, lots of things turn
us on or off.

Love is a strong positive feeling you have about someone,
something or some place regardless of what is happening
at the moment. It can rain or shine, you can be broke or
swimming in money, healthy or sickly and it doesn’t affect
real love.

Friendship is the result of learning over a period of time
that you trust, enjoy the company of and look forward to
talking and sharing with another. Best friends experience
a unique bond that lasts through just about anything.

Life long, comfortable marriages are between best
friends who love each other. Those are stronger and
more permanent feelings than sexual desire. If your
spouse becomes your best friend you’re on the right
track. Being sexually faithful does not mean you won’t
be attracted to others. It means you would not even
consider hurting or alienating your best friend.

You can not schedule or dictate your spouse’s feelings.
Sex requires two enthusiastic people and gets less
exciting with repetition. If one decides the other is
obligated to perform on command it can become work.
Sex may be fine until you die or fade into nonexistence.

So being happy in marriage may mean giving up sex?

It’s possible. If that decision is mutual and happens
gradually you may not care. If you disagree about the
importance of it then communication is next. Calm,
sober discussions with or without counseling should
answer whether this issue is critical. Is sex more
important than our relationship? Find out.

How do I move toward the “best friends” category?

Open and honest communication. Being lied to or
having to guess what your spouse’s feelings are can
strain a relationship to the breaking point. A best friend
keeps no secrets from you and trusts you. Believing you
and your best friend are equals and acting accordingly
is also essential.

There is no single reason why marriages last or fail but
some things don’t help.

1. Getting married for the wrong reasons.

Social pressure. Others thinking you should be married
by now is not a good starting point.

Financial advantage. Money does not bring happiness.
Money and possessions don’t love you. Finances can
change tomorrow.

Loneliness. Finding the right person is far more
important than finding “a” person.

2. Being married with the wrong attitude.

He is full of faults but I’ll roll up my sleeves and shape
him up.

Why can’t she squeeze the tooth paste from the bottom?
I’ve told her a dozen times.

He walked right in with his shoes on. Is he purposely
trying to make me mad?

Is she just going to watch that dumb soap opera? We
could be……….

Is he just going to watch that dumb ball game? We
could be………..

There are also things that do help.

1. Relax while looking for a mate.

Being single is better than being married to the wrong
person. A relaxed person is easier to spend time with.

There aren’t any laws on age limit or mandatory
windows of opportunity.

Be open minded. You can’t predict where love will come
from.

2. Watch and learn.

What attracts me to this person besides sex? If I can’t
find friendship I should keep looking.

What message am I sending? Is it true or should I
change it?

What kind of person am I really looking for? Trial and
error can be a painful way to learn.

3. Make the marriage good. Don’t depend on luck.

I’m proud to be with this wonderful person and don’t
mind meeting half way when we disagree.

I’ll be flexible and try to understand the other point of
view.

Life will give us sunny days and hit us with terrible storms
but together we are stronger than separated.

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Ken